Lulu's facinating facts and tricky tips

 
 

7 Amazing Facts About The Penis


See, Men – 600 Million Sperm in Semen

The average wad of man-fluid holds 40 million sperm, but there can be as many as 600 million squiggly guys, being thrust in to the world at 28 mph. And all it takes is one little tadpole, squirming at 200 seconds an inch, down to the egg and then… well, ask your father.

Blue Whale is Biggest at 8 Feet Long


The mammal with the biggest shvantz – the blue whale at 8 feet. The smallest? The shrew at 0.2 inches. Where do we humans fit in? Well, the good news is that we are the most well-endowed of our ape cousins. A gorilla's dong dangles at a mere 2 inches. Relative to body size, however, the pig takes the prize, as they can have up to a foot-and-a-half wiener.

70% of the World is Uncircumcized

Most of the world's penises are uncircumcised – a recent study showed only 30% of boys over 15 are cut, the majority of them being Jews or Muslims. Yet, in the US, the number is close to 55%, due to possible health benefits from the procedure. And what do they do with all those foreskins? Doctors have perfected a way to grow skin for burn victims from the leftover skins. In fact one foreskin can produce 9,000 square inches of new skin.


Most Mammals Have a Penis Bone


Basically, your Johnson is like a sponge or balloon that literally fills with blood. When it's at full sail, the blood flow is cut off, producing a stiffy. And while you probably know that there is no bone in the human penis, the baculum or penis-bone is common in most mammals, including chimpanzees and gorillas. And even though there is no bone in your boner, a klutzy move during sexytime could cause you to break your penis. OUCH!! Be careful out there!!!

You Are a Slave to Your Dick


Sexual arousal is involuntary. In fact, the words “sexual arousal” may have just gotten you sexually aroused. It mainly occurs in the sympathetic nervous system, not the conscious mind. During REM sleep, the male brain fires off boner orders on the average of 9 times a night. And when men ejaculate, the command comes from the spinal cord, not the brain. As Silvio Burlusconi once said, "Bunga bunga."


No Correlation Between Size of Feet or Other Body Part

The size of the average man's junk is 5 to 6.4 inches when erect, measuring from the tip to the pubic bone. Contrary to popular belief, you cannot gauge the size of a man's penis by his foot, finger, or nose. A recent South Korean study touted the correlation between penis length and the size of the index finger relative to the middle finger, but that is full of holes. The good news is that research shows most women don't place much emphasis on penis size, it's all about the wallet – I mean, heart.

Blue Balls is Real

Prostatic congestion is the medical term for it – when the testicles and prostrate are filled with too much goo and you can't get relief. Fortunately, instead of doing something irrational, a man could simply take an aspirin, a cold shower, or think about grandma having sex with grandpa.

 

Lulu's Top Tips on Stripping

 

If you're hard on your uppers then how about cashing in on this current craze for amateur strip contests. It seems like every where you go from the Key West bar to the East End boozer is encouraging their punters to bare all for cash, and we reckon it's about time you cashed in on this easy arsed money. However, before you go dropping those 'not-so-smalls', it's probably worth your while genning up on our 10 half-assed tips.

Practice

Practice makes perfect, and just because you can manage to amble out of your skiddies before collapsing into bed – don't make you a stripper. Get thee a full length mirror and ask yourself "is this sexy?" as you tease those socks off. If your arse could quite happily house a couple of mountain bikes, then perhaps it's down to the gym for you. Why not work through your routine with a friend beforehand – the last thing you want is to take out several members of the front row, with the classic 'trapped-foot-in-gusset-fling'.

Elastic Bands

Seasoned strippers have been known to use a trick or two to make their whoppers far more 'whop worthy'. Elastic bands around the base of your man snake is supposed to make to keep it looking it's mightiest, for longer. Do be aware that dog breeders use a similar technique to dock the tails of small dogs. You wouldn't want your showstopper to become a show dropper.

Baby Oil

There are some corners that you just can't cut in stripping. Don't be tempted to plump for cheap substitutes when it comes to a spot of lubrication. The temptation to replace baby oil with certain, cheaper, alternatives has been the downfall of many an entertainer. Washing up liquid is a serious no-no. The last thing you want, when you're bending over for your big close up, is a for a sneaky toot to shower the audience with 'soapy bum' bubbles.

Uniform

The art of stripping is to whip the crowd up into a wild frenzy so that they're suitably prepared for the sight of your swinging bits. Why not bag yourself a sexy uniform to help woo your public? We say steer clear from the tried and tested Policeman and Fire Fighter route. We reckon there's sexual mileage to be had from the 'Cocky Car Clamper' or 'Rock-Hard Road Sweeper' route.

Topiary

Presentation is everything in this game. Your love gear has to have instant snack-a-blity, and you're unlikely to win over the crowd with a low flying fuzzy wonder. Unkempt pubes can lose you an all-important inch or two in the length department. Also, do bear in mind that you'll be working under hot stage lights, and a bushy bounty can be classed as a fire hazard.

Victims

The best strippers are renowned for audience participation. Punters will literally lap you up if you leap off the stage and embark on a royal walk-a-bout in the buff. Do as the Queen does, and never fully engage in any stray wanton handshake, else it could all end in tears.

Party Piece

It's worth bearing in mind that, once you've got starkers in front of a packed boozer, you`ve still got to entertain the masses. No matter how beautiful you consider your todger to be, it's going to need a little party piece of it's very own. Why not practise a little comedy flick to put the fear of god into the punters on the front row. That darn 'Puppetry of the Penis' show has raised the stakes when it comes to genital gyrations. You're going to need 'loop the loop' love gear to stay ahead in this game.

Added Extra

The more athletic among you may wish to involve the punters in your show, by dragging some googly-eyed loon onto the stage to witness the finer details of your undercarriage. Take care when selecting your prey, as the over-keen are renowned for their over-tight grip. We say aim for the older gentlemen in the audience, who look like they may be wearing falsies, of the teeth variety. That way, if they do lose themselves and latch onto your love pump, you'll avoid any gnashing marks.

Props

Don't fool yourself into thinking that stripping is a simple business. Clothes on / clothes off just doesn't cut the mustard these days. The more professional erotic dancer will have a prop or two to help make their turn that little bit more memorable. The key is not to get too carried away with your newfound freedom. As a general rule of thumb, don't get 'personally' involved with anything that can, and will, get lost. If all else fails, simply plump for the 'beating an unsuspected punter around the kisser with love gear routine'. Works every time.

The crow's nest of a ship is so called because, in the early days of seafaring, crows were kept atop the mast as a navigational tool in case of bad weather - the sea-hating birds would always head straight for land.

While St. Patrick's Day is often associated with copious drinking, until the 1970s pubs in Ireland were actually closed on March 17. (Also, if you're wearing green today, you might like to know that traditionally St. Patrick was associated with a dark blue colour.)

If you've ever wondered what the term for the little dot above lower case 'i's and 'j's is: it's called a tittle. (Technically, a tittle is any small printed mark.)

Napoleon Bonaparte's wedding night ran into some trouble when, as he and his wife Josephine tried to consummate their marriage, Josephine's dog bit him hard on the leg. Apparently the animal was unhappy at having a new person sharing the bed.

The Niagara Falls ran dry on March 29, 1848, after an ice dam further up the Niagara River blocked the flow of water from Lake Erie. People were able to walk along the river bed for a day before the ice broke.

A beer flood hit London in 1814 after a giant vat burst. More than 1million litres of booze spilled from a brewery in Tottenham Court Road, killing nine people – including one from alcohol poisoning.

The inauguration of Andrew Johnson as Abraham Lincoln's vice-president in 1865 was marred slightly by the fact that Johnson was incredibly drunk and slurred his oaths. He'd been downing whiskey in an effort to treat typhoid fever (that was his excuse, anyway.)

Barack Obama may be the 44th president of the USA, but he's only the 43rd man to hold the job. That's because Grover Cleveland gets counted twice, having won non-consecutive elections. You may have noticed that Obama totally messed this fact up in his speech on Tuesday...

High-heeled shoes were originally invented in the early 1500s for soldiers, to stop their feet slipping out of the stirrups while they were on horseback. They quickly became fashionable, for both men and women, in the French court.

Church cancels gay funeral.

A Texas church cancelled the funeral of a Navy veteran after finding outhe was gay. High Point Church had offered to host the ceremony for Cecil Sinclair, but changed their minds after seeing a photo of him hugging his boyfriend. The send-off was held at a funeral home instead.

The porn identity.

A dancer at New York bar Splash is suing HX Magazine for defamationafter it mistakenly identified him as a ' City Video porn star' Alex Saez says he lost his job at a childrens' shop and became a laughing stock after the photo was published

HIV microchip shock.

HIV positive people in Indonesia may have microchips implanted into them so that their movements can be monitored. Officials hope the move will stop the virus spreading. Activists are calling the move ''

The age of safe sex concern.

The City of New York is giving out free condoms at old people' homes in a bid to teach them about HIV. The scheme, which is proving to be a huge success among elderly men, also hopes to make people more accepting of senior citizens who are HIV positive.

A shot at stopping bullies.

A 16-year-old boy from Wisconsin who shot and killed his headmaster for not standing up to anti-gay bullies has told a court that he didn't mean to murder him. Eric Hainstock says he only wanted to scare people and bring attention to homophobia at his school.

Transsexual high fliers.

The number of American corporate companies that ban discrimination against transsexuals is rising sharply, according to new studies. In 2003, only 8 companies had anti-discrimination policies in place. Now, more than 125 have adopted the scheme.

Out ranked heroes The lives of gay military veterans are being highlighted at an exhibition in San Francisco. The Out Ranks display, held at the LGBT Historical Society, celebrates the forgotten gay heroes in the military.

Thai' not tied to titles.

The Thai Government is considering allowing transsexuals and transvestites to officially change their titles. The move comes as part of new antidiscrimination laws. Thailand remains one of the most tolerant countries in the world when it comes to sex changes.

Gay brothers in genetic study.

Scientists in Chicago are recruiting gay brothers to take part in a study of genetics and homosexuality. The Molecular Genetic Study of Sexual Orientation, which hopes to research more than 1,000 pairs of brothers, will be the most extensive study of its kind.

Facebook' gay roommate search.

Universities across America are blaming online networking site Facebook for record numbers of complaints from parents about their kids' roommates. College officials say parents are searching for the listed roommates of their kids, jumping to conclusions about their sexual orientation and requesting they are moved. Parents are also scanning photos for any items that may suggest consumption of drugs or alcohol.

PENIS ENLARGEMENT


Authorities in Cambodia warned men on Tuesday against do-it-yourself penis enlargement treatments, in the aftermath of a case in which a man killed himself because of the side-effects of a botched enlargement attempt. The man reportedly had been injecting hair tonic into his own penis – but the side effects were so agonising that he hanged himself to end the pain.
The hair tonic was advertised as giving thicker and more lustrous hair. It did not have the same effect upon the man's penis.

 

WHAT A COW


A Serbian farmer has replaced his wife's name on the family grave with a picture of his favourite cow. Zivomir Nesic, 58, from Markovac, demanded his pre-ordered gravestone be changed after a row with his wife. He said: 'I always said my wife was a cow so, if I'm going to have a cow on my grave, I would rather it was one I actually liked.'

 

RIDE YOUR BIKE


In an inventive new entry to the field of unusual crimes, a Scottish man has been charged with having simulated sex with a bicycle. Robert Stewart, from Ayr, allegedly was naked from the waist down in a hostel room when two cleaners walked in. They say they were shocked to find him mock-copulating with a bicycle – and that he continued to do so as they looked on, He has been charged with conducting himself in a disorderly manner.

 

SEX IN THE FAST LANE


Israeli police investigating why a car was blocking traffic in the fast lane of a major highway in Jerusalem found a couple inside having sex. A police spokesman said the female driver and her male passenger gave in to their passions without pulling over to the side of the road. Their amorous liaison resulted in severe congestion, as other motorists were forced to swerve to dodge their stationary vehicle. A patrolman gave the woman a ticket for holding up traffic.

 

Lulu's Top Tips on Stripping

 

If you're hard on your uppers then how about cashing in on this current craze for amateur strip contests. It seems like every where you go from the Key West bar to the East End boozer is encouraging their punters to bare all for cash, and we reckon it's about time you cashed in on this easy arsed money. However, before you go dropping those 'not-so-smalls', it's probably worth your while genning up on our 10 half-assed tips.

Practice

Practice makes perfect, and just because you can manage to amble out of your skiddies before collapsing into bed – don't make you a stripper. Get thee a full length mirror and ask yourself "is this sexy?" as you tease those socks off. If your arse could quite happily house a couple of mountain bikes, then perhaps it's down to the gym for you. Why not work through your routine with a friend beforehand – the last thing you want is to take out several members of the front row, with the classic 'trapped-foot-in-gusset-fling'.

Elastic Bands

Seasoned strippers have been known to use a trick or two to make their whoppers far more 'whop worthy'. Elastic bands around the base of your man snake is supposed to make to keep it looking it's mightiest, for longer. Do be aware that dog breeders use a similar technique to dock the tails of small dogs. You wouldn't want your showstopper to become a show dropper.

Baby Oil

There are some corners that you just can't cut in stripping. Don't be tempted to plump for cheap substitutes when it comes to a spot of lubrication. The temptation to replace baby oil with certain, cheaper, alternatives has been the downfall of many an entertainer. Washing up liquid is a serious no-no. The last thing you want, when you're bending over for your big close up, is a for a sneaky toot to shower the audience with 'soapy bum' bubbles.

Uniform

The art of stripping is to whip the crowd up into a wild frenzy so that they're suitably prepared for the sight of your swinging bits. Why not bag yourself a sexy uniform to help woo your public? We say steer clear from the tried and tested Policeman and Fire Fighter route. We reckon there's sexual mileage to be had from the 'Cocky Car Clamper' or 'Rock-Hard Road Sweeper' route.

Topiary

Presentation is everything in this game. Your love gear has to have instant snack-a-blity, and you're unlikely to win over the crowd with a low flying fuzzy wonder. Unkempt pubes can lose you an all-important inch or two in the length department. Also, do bear in mind that you'll be working under hot stage lights, and a bushy bounty can be classed as a fire hazard.

Victims

The best strippers are renowned for audience participation. Punters will literally lap you up if you leap off the stage and embark on a royal walk-a-bout in the buff. Do as the Queen does, and never fully engage in any stray wanton handshake, else it could all end in tears.

Party Piece

It's worth bearing in mind that, once you've got starkers in front of a packed boozer, you`ve still got to entertain the masses. No matter how beautiful you consider your todger to be, it's going to need a little party piece of it's very own. Why not practise a little comedy flick to put the fear of god into the punters on the front row. That darn 'Puppetry of the Penis' show has raised the stakes when it comes to genital gyrations. You're going to need 'loop the loop' love gear to stay ahead in this game.

Added Extra

The more athletic among you may wish to involve the punters in your show, by dragging some googly-eyed loon onto the stage to witness the finer details of your undercarriage. Take care when selecting your prey, as the over-keen are renowned for their over-tight grip. We say aim for the older gentlemen in the audience, who look like they may be wearing falsies, of the teeth variety. That way, if they do lose themselves and latch onto your love pump, you'll avoid any gnashing marks.

Props

Don't fool yourself into thinking that stripping is a simple business. Clothes on / clothes off just doesn't cut the mustard these days. The more professional erotic dancer will have a prop or two to help make their turn that little bit more memorable. The key is not to get too carried away with your newfound freedom. As a general rule of thumb, don't get 'personally' involved with anything that can, and will, get lost. If all else fails, simply plump for the 'beating an unsuspected punter around the kisser with love gear routine'. Works every time.

o 0 o

Filipino cops can’t mince
Filipino police chiefs are warning gay officers not to sway their hips when on duty. Cops say that although the force doesn’t discriminate against gays, any 'abnormal' conduct might get them sacked.


School sued for protecting gays
Two students banned from wearing anti-gay T-shirts at a Chicago school are suing education bosses. Heidi Zamecnik, 17, and Alexander Nuxoll, 14, wore shirts with the slogan “Be Happy, NOT Gay”. They say stopping them wearing the shirts is a violation of their civil rights.

Brazil to make homophobia illegal?
Brazil is considering making homophobia illegal. Under the proposals, Roman Catholic priests and other clergy could face five years in prison if they preach against homosexuality. They say the law will be religious persecution. A public hearing is planned.

Teens hold anti-gay rally
More than 20,000 Christian teenagers gathered in San Francisco last month to protest againsthomosexuality. The two-day 'Battle Cry' event featured a rock concert and mass worship. Organisers say teens are tired
of having gay culture 'forced' on them and want to shape a different future for the next generation.


Church weddings for gay Swedes
The Church of Sweden is saying it will allow gay couples to marry in church ceremonies. If made official, it would mean that all Swedish couples have equal marriage rights regardless of their sexual orientation.


Lesbian wants no gay adoption A lesbian mother from Georgia is causing controversy by asking a court
to stop gay couples adopting. Sara Wheeler is trying to reverse a decision that allowed her lesbian ex-partner to adopt her son. Gay campaigners say that the case, if lost, could set gay rights back 100 years.

Czech in with the gays Czech people are showing increasing tolerance towards gay people. A survey found that in 2007 more than half of people say they “tolerated” homosexuals. Ten years ago that figure was only 29%. In 2003, 42% of
people said they wouldn't want a gay neighbour, now this figure has decreased to 29%.


World’s biggest gay church A Texan pastor is upsetting religious leaders by boasting that he has the
world's biggest gay church. Senior Pastor Jo Hudson says around 90% of 3,500 members of the Cathedral of Hope in Dallas are gay. The Church was founded in 1970 as a safe place for gays to worship. Texan religious leaders are calling the Church “sinful”.

Transsexual ex-wife’s cash battle A man from Florida is making legal history by asking for the right to stop
paying his ex-wife alimony because she has had a sex change. Lawrence Roach says he agreed to pay money to the woman he divorced - not a man. Lawyers say the area is uncharted legal territory
.


Activist wants gays away from kids
A Polish children's rights campaigner is asking the Government to stop gays working with kids. Eva Sovinyska has drawn up a list of jobs that she deems unsuitable for homosexuals. They include teaching and coaching sport. The Government says the idea is against equality.

HIV must be kept out of Oz
The Prime Minister of Australia has said that people with HIV should not be allowed to migrate into the country. Outspoken John Howard said that HIV positive people wanting asylum or residency should be turned away.
Mr Howard is also well known for his anti-gay views,

 

What's in and what's out on BBC America

IN

Hollyoaks Channel 4 daily soap about some teenagers in Chester

Whistleblower BBC America/ITV production about those who risk their careers to expose dangerous secrets

Torchwood Doctor Who spin-off

Hotel Babylon Tacky BBC1 hotel drama with Tamzin Outhwaite

Lead Balloon BBC4 comedy series starring Jack Dee

OUT

Benny Hill Show Slapstick comedy best known for his chasing near-naked women to music

Are You Being Served? Innuendo-laden 70s sitcom in a department store

The Avengers Sixties espionage with Patrick Macnee

Keeping Up Appearances Suburban comedy with "Hyacinth Bucket"

As Time Goes By Sitcom with Geoffrey Palmer and Dame Judi Dench

The Saint Cult Sixties detective series starring Roger Moore

 

Word of the Day.

BiPodding

Sharing a single set of headphones attached to one iPod. One person holds the iPod and takes the left earbud, the other takes the right earbud. Can be performed while moving.

A US restaurant has beaten its record for the world's biggest burger with a whopping 15-pounder.

Mummy's Boy

A middle-aged Russian mum has become a black belt in karate to protect her 22-year-old son from bullies.

Valentina Ivanova, 50, felt forced into action after years of watching shy Danila getting bullied by local gangs in Moscow.

 

A Slovakian woman says she cut into a loaf of freshly baked bread to find a condom inside.

"I'm just glad it hadn't been used. We had to have our eggs without any toast that morning."

 

A newlywed pensioner has been arrested for having sex with his bride while driving away from their wedding reception.

Traffic cops in Bergamo in northern Italy pulled the Fiat Punto over after watching it veer from side to side down a busy road.

Inside they found a partially naked 70-year-old man behind the wheel and his 59-year-old bride sitting astride him.

A Russian pensioner has designed his own coffin to include space for his prized collection of porn mags.

Vladimir Villisov decided to have a special coffin made after surviving a heart attack and realising he did not want to leave the magazines behind.

"The girls in those magazines have been my companions for years, and I want them to accompany me to the next life," said the unmarried 65-year-old from Mramorskoe.

He added that he even sometimes lies in his coffin, lined with red satin, to read his top shelf material.

Public Toilet Advice for Transvestites

Which Loo Guidelines
Before you use the loo: Think ahead if you are on a train use the unisex loo do not wait until your journey is over.
If you go into a pub consider buying a drink to avoid attracting the attention of staff.
Consider using unisex or disabled loos whenever possible.

When you are in the loo
In a gentlemans' loo avoid eye contact. Ladies' loos are more sociable where you tend to make eye contact, this may help you blend in.

If you are confronted
If you are challenged, do not get involved in a conversation or argument. Stay calm.
Whether you have a certificate of gender recognition or not, carry some documentation showing your acquired gender. For instance a driving licence, AA membership or a medical certificate from your GP.

 

The only place where a flag flies all day, never goes up or comes down, never flies half-mast and does not get saluted, is the moon.

A fresh egg will sink in water, but a stale one won't

Why is a hamburger called a hamburger although it contains no ham?

During a trip to Asia in the early 1800s, a German merchant - it is said - noticed that the nomadic Tartars softened their meat by keeping it under their saddles. The motion of the horse pounded the meat to bits. The Tartars would then scrape it together and season it for eating. The idea of pounded beef found its way back to the merchant's home town of Hamburg where cooks broiled the meat and referred to it as it as Hamburg meat.

German immigrants introduced the recipe to the US. The term "hamburger" is believed to have appeared in 1834 on the menu from Delmonico's restaurant in New York but there is no surviving recipe for the meal. The first mention in print of "Hamburg steak" was made in 1884 in the Boston Evening Journal.

The honour of producing the first proper hamburger goes to Charlie Nagreen of Seymour, WI. In 1885 Nagreen introduced the American hamburger at the Outgamie County Fair in Seymour. (Seymour is recognised as the hamburger capital of the world.)

Duck Tap

A recent study suggested that if you cover a wart with strong adhesive tape (duct tape was used in the study) there is a good chance that it will clear away within a month or two. It may be worth a try as it is painless. However, further studies are needed to clarify the role of this treatment.

Tap Facts

Turning taps (faucets) off when brushing your teeth can save five litres of water a minute. If we all did this , 180 mega litres a day could be saved, in turn enough to supply 500,000 homes.

(enviroment agency)

Lulu's Sunday School Lesson

On becoming a Hot Stripper

Does Size Matter

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

The King of Hearts is the only king without a moustache.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All polar bears are left handed.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A Belgian lady was 'best woman' when her ex-husband married her hairdresser in a gay wedding.

British couple cause £350million damage each year - by having energetic sex, a new poll reveals. A third of couples broke something during sex and 10% made insurance claims, reports the Sun. And many hurt themselves too. Some 41% have suffered carpet burns, a third pulled their backs and 12%twisted ankles or wrists.

Britons skip breakfast almost a third of the time, compared to the Spanish who eat breakfast on 93 per cent of mornings

Specialist cooks from around the world gathered in Serbia last month for the World Testicle Cooking Championship. Testicles are regarded as a gourmet delicacy in Serbia and the championship was organised by Ljubomir Erovic, of the Serbian Tourism Board, as a way of promoting the dish.

“The best cooked balls come from Serbia, which are known locally here as white kidneys,” he said. The contest in the village of Savinac was won by gourmet testicle chef Dejan Milovanovic from Belgrade. His dish, prepared using testicles from a bull and a boar beat off challengers from around the world.

America has it's very own Turkey Testicle Festival

Ten ways to come out

1. Screaming Fairy
Tapping into that age old theory that straight society finds camp poofs less threatening, acting like a latter day Mr Humphreys or Graham Norton (if you have the wit) could be your one way ticket to public acceptance. Or then again, you might just end up with a knuckle sandwich in your chops!

2. Wear It With Pride
Next time you find yourself creasing over one of those ‘Nobody Knows I’m a Lesbian’ T-shirts displayed in Camden Market, actually buy one and wear the bugger. The level of tolerance you may experience depends on whether or not you live in hip Holland Park or somewhere more edgy like Toxteth. For blokes who think it’s an ironic wheeze to wear one, remember, folks might just assume you’re a fat ugly bird with a facial problem.

3. Decorate With Style
If your parents are the Daily Mail or Sun reading types and associate homosexuality with every cliché going, then you could try decking out your bedroom with a plethora of gay clichés: show CDs, the complete works of Judy Garland and Liza, a lavender coloured bed spread, a Boy George’s autobiography, posters of Queen, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Will Young etc. Only don’t leave out any pot pourri. They might mistake it for exotic crisps!

4. The Subtle Way: Porn
A less subtle variation of the above. Just leave a couple of Vulcan, Hom, Colt and other gay porn titles lying around. For those who wish to induce a heart attack in a right wing family member, upgrade the porno stash to some hardcore DVD titles from Homoactive.

5. The Pink Press
We wonder just how many young men had to admit to mum that they bat for the other side when a copy of Gay Times or Pink Paper was discovered under the bed? Beware, QX with its naked pink piston shots maybe a stretch too far.

6.Word Play
How about a bit of psychology? Keep mentioning your ‘room mate’s’ name at every opportunity and use the Royal ‘we’ at every given opportunity. Gradually, family members and work colleagues / schoolmates etc will subliminally associate said ‘friend’ with ‘bum boy mate’. Before you know it they’ll be referring to your ‘mate’ as your ‘partner’.

7. Self Declaration
A classified ad in the local press will get the message across to half the town’s population. Or, if you want to be a little more discreet, declare your penchant for cock in the form of legible scribbles in the local gents. Who knows, you might even pick up in the process.

8. Camp TV
Make sure you are caught watching every gay orientated show on the planet, from Queer Eye to Will & Grace and The L Word. If that doesn’t work, ask your mates if they have any spare K-Y Jelly they can lend for your car engine. That always gets them guessing.

9. Shave It All Off
During a conversation with fellow office workers, drop in the fact that you like to shave your balls and arse because it’s more aesthetically pleasing. If no-one picks up on this subtle tit bit then reveal to everyone your wealth of knowledge about butt plugs, nipple clamps and the real give away, your skill at colour co-ordinating outfits.

10. Sci Fi Addiction
Admit you’re an ardent Dr Who fan who has the entire collection on DVD!  

 

 

 

Bizarre:

Drivers were shocked when a gunman held up traffic - dressed only in socks.
The naked US man brought cars and pedestrians to a standstill when he planted homself in the street and fired a gun at passing vehicles.
An onlooker revealed: "I couldn't believe it. There was a nude man in the middle of the street. He just stopped, kind of spread-eagle in the middle of the street." The 44-year-old man was later arrested - but police have no idea why he staged the nude hold-up.

 

Bizarre: A worried farmer has painted all his animals bright orange - because he's scared hunters might mistake them for deer.

Friz Konieczka is so scared deer hunters might pick off one of his animals by accident he has taken a paint brush to all of his cows, horses, goats and turkeys - and even his pet pooch, Buddy.

He says he wants his pets to stand out after hearing a neighbour's horse was shot during hunting season several years ago.

Doggy Style

Lulu's Tips for Gay Camping

 

What is the difference between a Gay Wedding

and a Straight Wedding ?

"Style"

 

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.


Cockroaches break wind every 15 minutes.


Fish scales are an ingredient in most lipsticks.


The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (a variety of the marijuana plant) paper


Up until the early 20th century, New Jersey and Wisconsin had laws allowing the castration of epileptics

On average Gay Men download 2 hours of music each from the internet each month

Top Tips for Keeping a Heathy Ticker

Have A Laugh
Eat Chocolate
Drink Red Wine
Have Plenty of Sex
Snack on Walnuts
Listen to Classical Music
Go for a Stroll
Have a Lie In

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35% Young men use illegal drugs.

47% Men are overweight

21% Men are obese

28% Men Smoke

600% Increases in the cases of Syphilis since 1996

Source: Men's Health Forum

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Lulu's Latest advice on Noughtiquette

  • A social kiss should never be on the lips
  • Never discuss your sex life with your friends
  • Never ogle a hunk when out with your man
  • Don't flaunt your naked body in the gym changing room
  • Don't use a friend's en-suite bathroom unless invited to
  • Never show a thong above your waistband
  • Never use the lavatory while your other half is in the shower or bath

The average length of an American Dick is 6.16 inch

  • 50% of Americans live within 50 miles of their birth place.
  • One in ten people in the World live on an Island
  • One third of all CD recorded are pirate copies.
  • Half the World population has seen at least one James Bond Film